I want change, I crave it. I get bored so easily. That's why I'm always braced for the run, to try an escape that ever encroaching darkness that promises to hollow me out again. I hate when things remind me of the people who've left me behind. I hate when I still look at them and miss them. But the worst is when I miss people who still willingly call themselves mine.
Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night from the pain of missing a place I've never been. This is where the loneliness strikes.
Tue
Jan
31
I get it, okay?
It never should’ve happened.
Any of it.
The relationship.
That thing that happened in September or October, I can’t even remember anymore.
The fact that anything ever happened honestly makes me sick to my stomach.
I almost start crying every time I see you just because I hate myself for ever thinking you were a good idea.
You are a horrible human being.
I wish I was sorry about saying that, but there is not a doubt in my mind.
I did not deserve any of the things you put me through. It was unfair, all of it.
When my English teacher asked, “What would be the first thing you would do if nothing were illegal?”
The first thing I thought of was hitting you until your face didn’t make me sick.
rain-will-make-the-flowers-grow:
And when we speak now, seldom as that is, the old language returns. I wonder if it makes old names make guest appearances in your mind. If you can feel the skin of my neck near yours one more time. Do you reach across the bed for a shape, no longer there. Do you remember it clearly or is it all just memories of memories. Is there still warmth from my fingers tracing the contours of your skin, left somewhere in your body. If you smell the smell of how I used to smell in a crowd, do you think of these things. Is something missing in everyone else’s or someone new’s voice. Will they never know quite how to laugh or breathe just behind your ear. Do they know what you look like when you want to leave a party, when you’ve had too much of people. Could they rebuild your body out of clay if they needed to, because they’ve touched it so many times. Does your back still arch the way it used to when I still kissed you.
Does an old singer sing an old song on an old radio.
Do the lyrics still shake your fucking soul.
Did it sound like this?
taking a wild guess here and all…but I’m pretty sure Aurora and I are the only ones in our Spanish class to make a dialogue about a drag queen asking his female friend for advice on clothing.
theimperfectascent asked: 2, 12, 14, 22, 31, 40. Go.
2. Does the guilt I feel from talking to anyone about anything count?
12. Sarah Palin. A lot of women in music who have completely lost it.
14. boxer briefs. no…briefs, doesn’t want the nonsense of bunching under his trousers.
22. I think our Pickle/Honeypuff thing is pretty far up there. Most of my nicknames are mild: Belle, Bambi, Princess. So yeah, I’ve been called Honeypuff, and I’ve called mai Pickle, Pickle.
31. It would be filled with all of the classics that I’ve always wanted to read and a lot of YA and a lot of like…research books, which is kind of weird I guess. But like, I’d want a lot of text books in there as well.
40. ”I take back what I said. I do regret it.”
